[There's a short stretch of silence. He'd lost control. But Twisted Fate isn't condemning that, and if the question is 'want,' then the answer is fairly straightforward.]
Yes. If you feel safe. You can't have missed my eyes.
[Nate's helped him get cleaned up and over the initial panic... and the secondary panic. He's breathing again, even if he knows this is temporary.
By the time Twisted Fate arrives, Anders has the fire just high enough to be warm without casting too many shadows on the walls of nearby tents. They don't tend to let it go out, but he doesn't want to disrupt any sleep. He's disrupted enough.
Anders waves the elf over as soon as he sees him, a single wave rather than something exuberant, and nods, golden eyes already searching to try to figure out what's coming. It doesn't help, not really.]
[The night is late, later than he's used to. The day has been long, exhausting, and mostly fun with attentions he's enjoyed, both casual and intimate. It may not have ended the way he wanted, but there are worse things.
He approaches, looking calm and comfortable enough. Twisted Fate sits himself down, close to Anders.]
Better than shoulder and ribs, actually. She did damage, which meant it was an easy heal. Bruises? Too finicky to be worth the magic.
[It's petty, but he distantly hopes no healer was able to see to her. It's not like he's ever been gifted in any sort of wrestling that wasn't for enjoyment.]
Will the boots be all right?
[Easy, neutral topics. That might be a good start.]
[Anders inhales and exhales. The question is better than he could have expected, and worse than he would have hoped. Despite a faint quirk of the lips at the honored comment, Anders looks rather serious.]
It's complicated. He's here, hearing everything I hear, seeing everything I see, in the back of my mind at all times. We generally know what the other thinks and wants. He lends me his strength, and I attempt to make sure his purpose is still fulfilled, that he still feels like some justice is done for his sake.
[He presses his lips together for a moment.]
And then sometimes, when he's especially angry or feeling thwarted in seeing an injustice and not acting, or I'm feeling particularly scared or threatened, he takes control. Which is when the relationship is not working.
[To put it lightly. If it were in his power or knowledge, Twisted Fate would rather see the two separated. Frankly, the situation sounds more like it does harm than good, and Anders would be better off without the spirit.]
So in that situation, it must have made you feel like you were dealing with a Templar again, I imagine.
I know it may not seem like it, and I'm certain you know this, but Nerva isn't your enemy. I certainly intend on speaking with her as well regarding what happened, and I suspect she feels more shame than she will admit right off.
[Difficult is putting it mildly, but it's the next words that truly stand out. Anders' gaze is direct.]
She attacked, Twisted Fate.
[Maker, the man's name sounds ridiculous in this context.]
I said nothing to her, didn't even see her or nod in her direction, and she struck. If that doesn't count as an enemy, I'm not certain what does. There are others who hate me who find it sufficient to yell. It was exactly like dealing with a Templar again except that I could fight back knowing this time I'd not spend another-- a time in a cell simply for defending myself.
I don't expect a Templar to apologize or admit to shame. But I won't hold my breath waiting for her to act in a way that is not enemy, and she could have gotten us both killed.
[He would be much better off separated from Justice, which is why he's got people looking into it.]
I don't expect you two to hold hands and sing songs and become friends. That, I believe, is entirely impossible. Most people in the Inquisition look at you and see everything wrong with Thedas. My opinion is atypical.
[His hands fold together and he peers at the fire for a moment.]
I will speak to her. I only ask if she does find it in herself to apologize that you do the same. Yes, she started it, and I hope to have her own that. But as you said, it persisted by your action -- and Justice's, in particular.
You won't see the apology coming? Well. Neither will she.
[Apologize for defending himself? For... Anders catches himself bristling and closes his eyes for a moment. No. That's not what he needs to apologize for. It's not something he can apologize for.
He had, however, been deliberate in not using her name and baiting her. And it's not even like there's a risk in agreeing to apologize for that if she comes to do so. She won't.]
I can apologize for my words. But the only guilt I feel in striking back is to you, for disrupting your event.
I have taken Templar blows too many times to be able to feel I wronged her in returning it. Not only that, if I'd simply taken it, there'd be more attacks. People would feel it safe. I've been hit three times since the announcement of who I am. If I let it happen, stand there or walk away...
[There's a pause as he considers, then he carefully places his hand over the other mage's. It seems right to do, and he certainly is not going to blame him for physically defending himself.]
I'm not asking you to defend your actions. The words are enough.
[There's a pause, then a contemplative frown.]
No, I don't think anyone should ask you to not defend yourself when you've been struck three times by others who are supposedly your fellow Inquisition members. If you were an elf, Beleth would be finding methods of worming her way to guilt the advisers, I expect. [But he's human, and Beleth isn't going to give two shits about it, really.]
No one should feel they have to look over their shoulder here constantly.
[It's what he wants for himself. How could he want otherwise for Anders?]
[He's trying to brace for it not being enough when Twisted Fate takes his hand and all Anders can do is stare for a moment. For every few times he's not braced enough here, he overbraces and is knocked off-balance. Once his brain is working again, though, Anders places his free hand on top of Fate's.]
It's not new. Looking over my shoulder. And three-fourths of the advisors would be pointing out I'm lucky to simply be breathing even if someone did go to them. Which is not untrue.
[It's Nate who had thought about Hawke judging him previously, Nate who gave him the idea to turn himself in rather than wait for the inevitable. Anders is exceedingly lucky Nate arrived when he did.]
If I...
[Anders sighs, because the thoughts on his mind are large and daunting.]
I keep telling myself that if I defend myself enough times, it has to stop. That word will get out that they aren't winning. I'm not sure I'm right. But it's all I can try.
Perhaps they would. But I would be disappointed to find out if they thought it was acceptable for their agents to turn on each other.
[Which is a concern he takes to heart. Perhaps for selfish reasons, but regardless.]
I can't assume I know what your position is like. But I would never expect you to stop defending yourself, especially physically. The point is, you shouldn't have to. Not here, not when the Inquisition is supposedly a foundation meant to represent the best of Thedas.
If it means anything, I stand by you. I believe you want this chance you've been given. To do better.
[It would be nice to have a point in his life where he didn't need to be ready to defend himself at any moment. For a short time he'd had that with the Wardens, but when Jonas left so had his protection. To no longer have to fight...]
It means a great deal. I'm not going to give up on that chance. If that was how I did things, I only would have escaped from the Circle once.
[He's tired, but he's not done.]
I want it too much. And while I've spent the whole of my life fighting and don't see that changing, I'd not mind if you were right and I was wrong. If it would stop, or if someone would actually care.
I promise you nothing, of course, but... well, remaining silent on this wouldn't do anyone any real good. I'd like to think I'm in good enough standing with most that perhaps my words would be worthy of something.
If not, I'm quite good at making people care.
[He's not above manipulations, but he doesn't think this is going to be needed.]
Should you ever feel unsafe, seek me out, hm? I'll do what I can. Usually a big angry bear is enough to make someone think twice.
[Twisted Fate is saying he might get involved. It's not that much of a surprise, considering the parallels Anders has already seen between his younger self and Fate, but he's still touched.]
I'd take any help I can get.
[And frankly, any help for him also helps Skyhold. Being hit more, getting more frustrated, increases the risk of slipping up and that danger became very real last night.]
But Maker, what I'd give to...
[He shakes his head. There will be a way to learn, even if he has to get around lack of teachers. Somehow. He craves being a bird and flying and being anything other than himself for just a short time more than he can say.]
By that I mean yes. If there's time to find someone, and I've an idea of where you are, I'll do that.
I don't suppose you'd be willing to run over Nerva in bear form? Bears are heavy.
[The joke attempt isn't great, but it's a decent try anyway.]
But to be honest, I don't know. The company is nice. You're even not in danger, which has to also be nice. From me, that is. Maker knows that saying that is half-likely to summon... I don't know. Volcanoes. And dragons. But at least I'm in control currently and no one is going to die from Justice tonight.
[He sighs, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees.]
I... I honestly thought I wasn't that much of a danger anymore. Until she was screaming about burning.
I'm afraid that even if I were willing, Cassandra would have my head. She's not exactly afraid of bears.
[There's a half-smile there. Even if Anders were honest with the request, it's not something that he could ever fulfill. Despite everything, he considers Nerva a personal friend. Strange how that worked out.]
Well, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's at being enjoyable company. I consider myself a fine entertainer.
[There's a pause, then he hesitates at the topic of the burning she mentioned, and Justice.]
That was something... brought up from her history, I think. In the way that you've suffered at the hands of Templars, I suspect she'd had damaging experiences from mages. Not that I'm excusing anyone's behavior.
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...Mm.
I feel partly responsible as well. I know that not everyone would have gotten along. Late at night with a few drinks -- something was bound to happen.
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I should have... I've been hit by Templars before. I should have just walked away. Not swung back, not talked back, not...
[Another breath.]
Not brought your party to a close.
[Not endangered everyone.]
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Well, it could have ended in a worse way. Corypheus could have showed up or something. Bring his Archdemon or whatever it is over.
[He sighs softly.] Do you want to talk? Face to face.
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Yes. If you feel safe. You can't have missed my eyes.
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Shall I come your way? The camp doesn't bother me.
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[It's half-said to himself as he nods and then remembers that he's not talking to Twisted Fate in person. The elf can't see the nod.]
Ah. Please. I'll restoke the fire.
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I'll be on my way, then. With cleaner boots now. [Spoken wryly, but true.
And to his promise, he is on his way.]
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By the time Twisted Fate arrives, Anders has the fire just high enough to be warm without casting too many shadows on the walls of nearby tents. They don't tend to let it go out, but he doesn't want to disrupt any sleep. He's disrupted enough.
Anders waves the elf over as soon as he sees him, a single wave rather than something exuberant, and nods, golden eyes already searching to try to figure out what's coming. It doesn't help, not really.]
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He approaches, looking calm and comfortable enough. Twisted Fate sits himself down, close to Anders.]
How is the jaw?
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[It's petty, but he distantly hopes no healer was able to see to her. It's not like he's ever been gifted in any sort of wrestling that wasn't for enjoyment.]
Will the boots be all right?
[Easy, neutral topics. That might be a good start.]
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They're fine. Took time to scrub them. I hope you and Nerva feel honored; I don't step into muck for just anyone.
So. Justice. How is he doing? I admit, I don't really quite know how the relationship between you two work.
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It's complicated. He's here, hearing everything I hear, seeing everything I see, in the back of my mind at all times. We generally know what the other thinks and wants. He lends me his strength, and I attempt to make sure his purpose is still fulfilled, that he still feels like some justice is done for his sake.
[He presses his lips together for a moment.]
And then sometimes, when he's especially angry or feeling thwarted in seeing an injustice and not acting, or I'm feeling particularly scared or threatened, he takes control. Which is when the relationship is not working.
[And when people die.]
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[To put it lightly. If it were in his power or knowledge, Twisted Fate would rather see the two separated. Frankly, the situation sounds more like it does harm than good, and Anders would be better off without the spirit.]
So in that situation, it must have made you feel like you were dealing with a Templar again, I imagine.
I know it may not seem like it, and I'm certain you know this, but Nerva isn't your enemy. I certainly intend on speaking with her as well regarding what happened, and I suspect she feels more shame than she will admit right off.
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She attacked, Twisted Fate.
[Maker, the man's name sounds ridiculous in this context.]
I said nothing to her, didn't even see her or nod in her direction, and she struck. If that doesn't count as an enemy, I'm not certain what does. There are others who hate me who find it sufficient to yell. It was exactly like dealing with a Templar again except that I could fight back knowing this time I'd not spend another-- a time in a cell simply for defending myself.
I don't expect a Templar to apologize or admit to shame. But I won't hold my breath waiting for her to act in a way that is not enemy, and she could have gotten us both killed.
[He would be much better off separated from Justice, which is why he's got people looking into it.]
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[His hands fold together and he peers at the fire for a moment.]
I will speak to her. I only ask if she does find it in herself to apologize that you do the same. Yes, she started it, and I hope to have her own that. But as you said, it persisted by your action -- and Justice's, in particular.
You won't see the apology coming? Well. Neither will she.
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He had, however, been deliberate in not using her name and baiting her. And it's not even like there's a risk in agreeing to apologize for that if she comes to do so. She won't.]
I can apologize for my words. But the only guilt I feel in striking back is to you, for disrupting your event.
I have taken Templar blows too many times to be able to feel I wronged her in returning it. Not only that, if I'd simply taken it, there'd be more attacks. People would feel it safe. I've been hit three times since the announcement of who I am. If I let it happen, stand there or walk away...
[He shakes his head.]
I can't, and it's not simply pride speaking.
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I'm not asking you to defend your actions. The words are enough.
[There's a pause, then a contemplative frown.]
No, I don't think anyone should ask you to not defend yourself when you've been struck three times by others who are supposedly your fellow Inquisition members. If you were an elf, Beleth would be finding methods of worming her way to guilt the advisers, I expect. [But he's human, and Beleth isn't going to give two shits about it, really.]
No one should feel they have to look over their shoulder here constantly.
[It's what he wants for himself. How could he want otherwise for Anders?]
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It's not new. Looking over my shoulder. And three-fourths of the advisors would be pointing out I'm lucky to simply be breathing even if someone did go to them. Which is not untrue.
[It's Nate who had thought about Hawke judging him previously, Nate who gave him the idea to turn himself in rather than wait for the inevitable. Anders is exceedingly lucky Nate arrived when he did.]
If I...
[Anders sighs, because the thoughts on his mind are large and daunting.]
I keep telling myself that if I defend myself enough times, it has to stop. That word will get out that they aren't winning. I'm not sure I'm right. But it's all I can try.
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[Which is a concern he takes to heart. Perhaps for selfish reasons, but regardless.]
I can't assume I know what your position is like. But I would never expect you to stop defending yourself, especially physically. The point is, you shouldn't have to. Not here, not when the Inquisition is supposedly a foundation meant to represent the best of Thedas.
If it means anything, I stand by you. I believe you want this chance you've been given. To do better.
I know it's something I'd want.
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It means a great deal. I'm not going to give up on that chance. If that was how I did things, I only would have escaped from the Circle once.
[He's tired, but he's not done.]
I want it too much. And while I've spent the whole of my life fighting and don't see that changing, I'd not mind if you were right and I was wrong. If it would stop, or if someone would actually care.
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If not, I'm quite good at making people care.
[He's not above manipulations, but he doesn't think this is going to be needed.]
Should you ever feel unsafe, seek me out, hm? I'll do what I can. Usually a big angry bear is enough to make someone think twice.
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I'd take any help I can get.
[And frankly, any help for him also helps Skyhold. Being hit more, getting more frustrated, increases the risk of slipping up and that danger became very real last night.]
But Maker, what I'd give to...
[He shakes his head. There will be a way to learn, even if he has to get around lack of teachers. Somehow. He craves being a bird and flying and being anything other than himself for just a short time more than he can say.]
By that I mean yes. If there's time to find someone, and I've an idea of where you are, I'll do that.
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It's not much, but it's what I can do for now until a better solution is found.
At this moment I suppose the question is, can I do anything for you while I am here now?
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[The joke attempt isn't great, but it's a decent try anyway.]
But to be honest, I don't know. The company is nice. You're even not in danger, which has to also be nice. From me, that is. Maker knows that saying that is half-likely to summon... I don't know. Volcanoes. And dragons. But at least I'm in control currently and no one is going to die from Justice tonight.
[He sighs, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees.]
I... I honestly thought I wasn't that much of a danger anymore. Until she was screaming about burning.
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[There's a half-smile there. Even if Anders were honest with the request, it's not something that he could ever fulfill. Despite everything, he considers Nerva a personal friend. Strange how that worked out.]
Well, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's at being enjoyable company. I consider myself a fine entertainer.
[There's a pause, then he hesitates at the topic of the burning she mentioned, and Justice.]
That was something... brought up from her history, I think. In the way that you've suffered at the hands of Templars, I suspect she'd had damaging experiences from mages. Not that I'm excusing anyone's behavior.
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