[It would be nice to have a point in his life where he didn't need to be ready to defend himself at any moment. For a short time he'd had that with the Wardens, but when Jonas left so had his protection. To no longer have to fight...]
It means a great deal. I'm not going to give up on that chance. If that was how I did things, I only would have escaped from the Circle once.
[He's tired, but he's not done.]
I want it too much. And while I've spent the whole of my life fighting and don't see that changing, I'd not mind if you were right and I was wrong. If it would stop, or if someone would actually care.
I promise you nothing, of course, but... well, remaining silent on this wouldn't do anyone any real good. I'd like to think I'm in good enough standing with most that perhaps my words would be worthy of something.
If not, I'm quite good at making people care.
[He's not above manipulations, but he doesn't think this is going to be needed.]
Should you ever feel unsafe, seek me out, hm? I'll do what I can. Usually a big angry bear is enough to make someone think twice.
[Twisted Fate is saying he might get involved. It's not that much of a surprise, considering the parallels Anders has already seen between his younger self and Fate, but he's still touched.]
I'd take any help I can get.
[And frankly, any help for him also helps Skyhold. Being hit more, getting more frustrated, increases the risk of slipping up and that danger became very real last night.]
But Maker, what I'd give to...
[He shakes his head. There will be a way to learn, even if he has to get around lack of teachers. Somehow. He craves being a bird and flying and being anything other than himself for just a short time more than he can say.]
By that I mean yes. If there's time to find someone, and I've an idea of where you are, I'll do that.
I don't suppose you'd be willing to run over Nerva in bear form? Bears are heavy.
[The joke attempt isn't great, but it's a decent try anyway.]
But to be honest, I don't know. The company is nice. You're even not in danger, which has to also be nice. From me, that is. Maker knows that saying that is half-likely to summon... I don't know. Volcanoes. And dragons. But at least I'm in control currently and no one is going to die from Justice tonight.
[He sighs, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees.]
I... I honestly thought I wasn't that much of a danger anymore. Until she was screaming about burning.
I'm afraid that even if I were willing, Cassandra would have my head. She's not exactly afraid of bears.
[There's a half-smile there. Even if Anders were honest with the request, it's not something that he could ever fulfill. Despite everything, he considers Nerva a personal friend. Strange how that worked out.]
Well, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's at being enjoyable company. I consider myself a fine entertainer.
[There's a pause, then he hesitates at the topic of the burning she mentioned, and Justice.]
That was something... brought up from her history, I think. In the way that you've suffered at the hands of Templars, I suspect she'd had damaging experiences from mages. Not that I'm excusing anyone's behavior.
If Cassandra had her way, she'd have everyone's heads.
[There's rash leadership, and then there's her. His impression is not favorable. If locking up and anger are her initial reaction to issues, that's not all that dissimilar from Meredith.
Anders takes a careful breath at the comparison, looking over at Twisted Fate. The man thinks he can ask a Templar to apologize to a mage, and his conversation with Nerva on the crystals had been very friendly. They're close. What Anders is about to say might be stupid, but it won't be the first time.]
I don't... I don't want to offend you. It's not simply that I've not got so many who are friendly toward me that I can truly afford to lose them. I'd personally like to keep your enjoyable company.
But I do not think a Templar can suffer at mage hands the way a mage can suffer at Templar ones. Or couldn't. If this was when the Circles stood...
[He trails off, bracing a little. A Templar could be powerless and hurt for a short time, but that had been their lives, for mages.]
Kinloch Hold was not the Gallows. But it was a place of constant fear for a majority, an existence where threats were frequent from childhood, and there was no hope of them ending. I imagine cities hold similar stresses for the Dalish and elves. Many humans likely do as well.
[Nerva is neither mage nor elfblooded. It can never be the same.]
[There's a moment of silence as he takes in Anders' words. Frankly, Twisted Fate has conclusions about Nerva that he plans on addressing with her after what he heard, and after what he's learned of her in the past. It's not hard to put together, but there is no reason for Anders to know.
And it is far from Fate's place to tell him.
When Twisted Fate looks at Anders, his brow raises, smile gone. It would be difficult to encourage anyone to think beyond their own experiences, especially one who's been abused by Templars so much in his life. He didn't think it would be simple as a few words to suggest thinking outside his own box, granted, but he is a little disappointment.
Twisted Fate slightly disapproves.]
I suppose you know better than most, Anders.
[Fate isn't one to typically involve himself in debates. He isn't about to start. He sees no reason to.]
[The clear disapproval stings, as if he's being judged, and Anders folds his arms across his chest defensively.]
You're talking about someone who walked up to me with the confidence that she could get away with striking. If I walked up to a Templar and hit them, I would pay. Even before I destroyed the Chantry, that was the way of things. I was--
[No. He breaks off. No details, not when he's already being found wanting. Opening up is terrifying normally; right now would be even worse.]
You're a mage.
[As if that changes things, makes all the difference. It doesn't. Sometimes, though, like now, Anders wishes it did.]
And an elf, a thief, Dalish, performer, con artist -- the list goes on.
If it's any consolation, arranging people into neat little categories isn't something you do especially. I know plenty of people who do it. The Dalish love their categories.
[Twisted Fate disapproves a little more.]
Anders, I'm not here to defend her. She shouldn't have hit you. I will not argue that.
But I will say, do not put me into any kind of category. It only perpetuates the issues we all seem to have. It's rather unpleasant.
Saying that she suffered the way a Circle mage has isn't defending her? I'm not trying to pick an argument. I do not want another fight. I was simply expecting some understanding from one facet of who you are, rather than attempting to say you were just a mage.
[And now he disapproves some.]
I won't argue that she's been through something. I'll not deny that it did damage. But it feels... I'm not even sure I know the word. Hearing my whole life of struggle and fight compared to something an oppressor has gone through at the hand of a mage or mages? It hurts. I've been treated like a thing since childhood, a thing to be feared and hated. If you want to tell me her whole life since childhood has been spent surrounded with loathing and fear, then I'll allow the comparison. But one event compared to a lifetime of abuses? I don't know, Fate. Justice does, and I'm trying to not let his opinion color mine too much here, but he deals entirely in absolutes.
Anders, I drew a comparison so you could attempt to have a concept of empathy outside of your own experiences. We've all suffered something, but your pain? Your pain, apparently, is going to come before everyone else's.
As I said, I will not defend her actions. I offered a suggestion of what likely happened based on what I know of her, but her story is not mine to tell. Nor are your woes mine to tell her, when all she can see is a villain who began a war.
I know better than that, and I am -- rather foolishly, apparently -- attempting to bridge an understanding. I don't assume to know what it's like to have a bloody spirit color my perspective, but do try to have a different one.
[He releases Anders' hand and stands up.]
Happy Birthday to me, hm? And a good evening for you.
There's no call to have an understanding with someone who punched me until and unless she apologizes and means it. In fact, being that vulnerable to someone who has that much power is something I've been well-trained to avoid. I've plenty of empathy for those who do not assault others.
[Anders stands.]
You've the shield of your hidden identity and past. I've no such thing. Perhaps do not judge me so quickly. Or perhaps do. Your actions are your own to choose. Good evening.
[And with that, he's turning to go. No empathy, his perspective is entirely wrong? He has enough self-doubt after slipping with control; he doesn't need this on top of it. Fate will speak with him again sometime or he will not. That is up to the elf.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
It means a great deal. I'm not going to give up on that chance. If that was how I did things, I only would have escaped from the Circle once.
[He's tired, but he's not done.]
I want it too much. And while I've spent the whole of my life fighting and don't see that changing, I'd not mind if you were right and I was wrong. If it would stop, or if someone would actually care.
no subject
If not, I'm quite good at making people care.
[He's not above manipulations, but he doesn't think this is going to be needed.]
Should you ever feel unsafe, seek me out, hm? I'll do what I can. Usually a big angry bear is enough to make someone think twice.
no subject
I'd take any help I can get.
[And frankly, any help for him also helps Skyhold. Being hit more, getting more frustrated, increases the risk of slipping up and that danger became very real last night.]
But Maker, what I'd give to...
[He shakes his head. There will be a way to learn, even if he has to get around lack of teachers. Somehow. He craves being a bird and flying and being anything other than himself for just a short time more than he can say.]
By that I mean yes. If there's time to find someone, and I've an idea of where you are, I'll do that.
no subject
It's not much, but it's what I can do for now until a better solution is found.
At this moment I suppose the question is, can I do anything for you while I am here now?
no subject
[The joke attempt isn't great, but it's a decent try anyway.]
But to be honest, I don't know. The company is nice. You're even not in danger, which has to also be nice. From me, that is. Maker knows that saying that is half-likely to summon... I don't know. Volcanoes. And dragons. But at least I'm in control currently and no one is going to die from Justice tonight.
[He sighs, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees.]
I... I honestly thought I wasn't that much of a danger anymore. Until she was screaming about burning.
no subject
[There's a half-smile there. Even if Anders were honest with the request, it's not something that he could ever fulfill. Despite everything, he considers Nerva a personal friend. Strange how that worked out.]
Well, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's at being enjoyable company. I consider myself a fine entertainer.
[There's a pause, then he hesitates at the topic of the burning she mentioned, and Justice.]
That was something... brought up from her history, I think. In the way that you've suffered at the hands of Templars, I suspect she'd had damaging experiences from mages. Not that I'm excusing anyone's behavior.
no subject
[There's rash leadership, and then there's her. His impression is not favorable. If locking up and anger are her initial reaction to issues, that's not all that dissimilar from Meredith.
Anders takes a careful breath at the comparison, looking over at Twisted Fate. The man thinks he can ask a Templar to apologize to a mage, and his conversation with Nerva on the crystals had been very friendly. They're close. What Anders is about to say might be stupid, but it won't be the first time.]
I don't... I don't want to offend you. It's not simply that I've not got so many who are friendly toward me that I can truly afford to lose them. I'd personally like to keep your enjoyable company.
But I do not think a Templar can suffer at mage hands the way a mage can suffer at Templar ones. Or couldn't. If this was when the Circles stood...
[He trails off, bracing a little. A Templar could be powerless and hurt for a short time, but that had been their lives, for mages.]
Kinloch Hold was not the Gallows. But it was a place of constant fear for a majority, an existence where threats were frequent from childhood, and there was no hope of them ending. I imagine cities hold similar stresses for the Dalish and elves. Many humans likely do as well.
[Nerva is neither mage nor elfblooded. It can never be the same.]
no subject
[There's a moment of silence as he takes in Anders' words. Frankly, Twisted Fate has conclusions about Nerva that he plans on addressing with her after what he heard, and after what he's learned of her in the past. It's not hard to put together, but there is no reason for Anders to know.
And it is far from Fate's place to tell him.
When Twisted Fate looks at Anders, his brow raises, smile gone. It would be difficult to encourage anyone to think beyond their own experiences, especially one who's been abused by Templars so much in his life. He didn't think it would be simple as a few words to suggest thinking outside his own box, granted, but he is a little disappointment.
Twisted Fate slightly disapproves.]
I suppose you know better than most, Anders.
[Fate isn't one to typically involve himself in debates. He isn't about to start. He sees no reason to.]
no subject
You're talking about someone who walked up to me with the confidence that she could get away with striking. If I walked up to a Templar and hit them, I would pay. Even before I destroyed the Chantry, that was the way of things. I was--
[No. He breaks off. No details, not when he's already being found wanting. Opening up is terrifying normally; right now would be even worse.]
You're a mage.
[As if that changes things, makes all the difference. It doesn't. Sometimes, though, like now, Anders wishes it did.]
no subject
If it's any consolation, arranging people into neat little categories isn't something you do especially. I know plenty of people who do it. The Dalish love their categories.
[Twisted Fate disapproves a little more.]
Anders, I'm not here to defend her. She shouldn't have hit you. I will not argue that.
But I will say, do not put me into any kind of category. It only perpetuates the issues we all seem to have. It's rather unpleasant.
no subject
[And now he disapproves some.]
I won't argue that she's been through something. I'll not deny that it did damage. But it feels... I'm not even sure I know the word. Hearing my whole life of struggle and fight compared to something an oppressor has gone through at the hand of a mage or mages? It hurts. I've been treated like a thing since childhood, a thing to be feared and hated. If you want to tell me her whole life since childhood has been spent surrounded with loathing and fear, then I'll allow the comparison. But one event compared to a lifetime of abuses? I don't know, Fate. Justice does, and I'm trying to not let his opinion color mine too much here, but he deals entirely in absolutes.
no subject
As I said, I will not defend her actions. I offered a suggestion of what likely happened based on what I know of her, but her story is not mine to tell. Nor are your woes mine to tell her, when all she can see is a villain who began a war.
I know better than that, and I am -- rather foolishly, apparently -- attempting to bridge an understanding. I don't assume to know what it's like to have a bloody spirit color my perspective, but do try to have a different one.
[He releases Anders' hand and stands up.]
Happy Birthday to me, hm? And a good evening for you.
no subject
[Anders stands.]
You've the shield of your hidden identity and past. I've no such thing. Perhaps do not judge me so quickly. Or perhaps do. Your actions are your own to choose. Good evening.
[And with that, he's turning to go. No empathy, his perspective is entirely wrong? He has enough self-doubt after slipping with control; he doesn't need this on top of it. Fate will speak with him again sometime or he will not. That is up to the elf.]